a night to muse

there was a really loud bang last night that woke me up and the first thing that came to my mind was that it was the rapture. i remember being so scared that i was literally shaking all over. i dont know why i thought about that but i was so consumed with fear. why wouldn't i want Christ to come? fear of my family's and friends' salvation not being secured, maybe. fear of my own salvation not secured, maybe.

not at peace...

what God is teaching me...

i cant do anything by myself. literally nothing...

i really see how this verse is so...real:

therefore i tell you that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, "Jesus be cursed," and no one can say, "Jesus is Lord," except by the Holy Spirit.

-1 Corinthians 12:3

i remember matt carter giving a sermon on this verse and i could never understand it until now.he said something along the lines of...we cannot call Jesus Lord and bow down to Him without the Holy Spirit. i always thought that i still had to do my best to worship Him but now i know i cant. i cant get up if i dont get 8 hours of sleep. i cant find the desire to do my QT. i cant be humble. i cant share the good news of Christ. i cant...unless it is by the Holy Spirit.

any growth i have experienced is completely of God. I can do NOTHING without Him no matter how much i want to. i guess its just a matter of coming before God, admiting my inadequacy, crying out to Him, and having faith that He will change me.




Dear God,

change me.

emily

just learning how much i need God in EVERYTHING. i emphasize "everything" because i literally mean EVERYTHING.
being completely honest, every morning when i wake up to do my QTs, i literlly have to force myself to spend time in the Word. i think i know the importance of it but i cant seem to get excited to read, even if it is the Word of the living, breating, active God. **God change my heart**

**must write this down before i forget**

EPIC went on its first homeless outreach on wednesday :)

we went to KFC, got free food, paired off, and passed it out.

met a guy named Moses. he didnt really want anything except someone to listen to him. 75 years old and his family pretty much abandoned him, except for his daughter. we promised we would pray for him. must keep this promise to him. i think i have met one of those people who i will pray for for the rest of my life.

God help me love Moses like you love Moses. let me never forget him...

Justin...

went to la cantera to go shopping today and while we were shopping one of those extremely friendly and persistent salesman came up to us. Justin. He was complementing us and then putting purfume on us. I really wanted to move on but i didnt want to be rude and just leave but at the same time i didnt really care (did that even make sense?). the whole time i was just thinking of a way to get out but my plans never work. one of the things he did was analyze out personality based on what we were wearing. one of the girls was wearing a shirt with john 15:12. he asked what it was and all we did was recite the verse to him... nothing more

2 hours later

we just went to Breathe Easy, CRU's weekly meetings. worship always speaks in such amazing was...
as we were singing "run" by hillsong there is a verse that goes...

We will run
Our surrender to bring you fame
Our desire that you be praised
Our God all Glory to your name
Jesus


HOW CAN I BE SINGING THESE WORDS AND NOT DO THEM...what the heck...

then the next song played:

It is not a human right
To stare not fight
While broken nations dream
Open up our eyes, so blind
That we might find
The Mercy for the need

Singing, Hey now
Fill our hearts with your compassion
Hey now
As we hold to our confession

It is not too far a cry
To much to try
To help the least of these
Politics will not decide
If we should rise
And be your hands and feet
---------------------------------------

Justin...forgive me for not loving you...
God...forgive me for not loving your son...

love never fails...

been pondering this for quite a while now...
yesterday i woke up and i was thinking that life is so meaningless. just like going about my everyday life, though very fun i will admit, very pointless...without love.

today i was thinking why ive always seemed to have to like someone most of the time. now that im thinking about it maybe i wasnt completely wrong for thinking that. i just had the wrong people in mind. maybe that need to continually love someone is not completely wrong. maybe im suppose to love God continually...

thinking about it now this year has been really good for me. for the first time this year i found satisfaction in God. i dont want to say 100% satisfaction but during that time i was so fulfilled.

im glad i came to UTSA :)

thank you God.

gahhh!!! I AM SO NOT AT EASE!!!! i prayed today that God would bring someone in my life today that I could share God with... AND HE DID!!! the problem is when he started to talk to me i got all panicky. i didnt rely on God... though the topic was about Him, i forgot Him... WHAT THE HECK!!!! what is wrong with meee!!!!!

God please let me never forget you. God make glorifying You my only desire. God give me confidence in You. God consume me. God give me another chance to meet him and make you known... God forgive me...

i read this and i see that i am one of those stupid girls that i didnt want to be.

dear world,

im sorry. im sorry. im sorry.

im sorry for being so sensitive this week. gahhh i hate it. im sorry. i dont think anyone will understand but i just want to get it out.

i get over him by forgetting about him. everytime i think about him i just divert my thoughts. i just supress my feeling,but every once in a while they surface because of something...

i think seeing him this weekend was a bad idea. its weird because this is what i wanted. i wanted for him to move on so i could move on. maybe i didnt want him to move on so soon. just hearing about him with another girl makes me want to cry. a bunch of thoughts just fly through my mind but the thought of being so easily replaced just sticks. i want to get over it but some part of me doesnt want to. why dont i want to? God. satisfy me again...

Just finished writing my testimony for EPIC tonight and as i was writing i was wondering why i couldn't figure out why i didn't have an exact moment when i started to love Jesus. But now that i have finished i think i am starting to understand why i dont have an exact date.

i think its like when i like someone. i dont think i ever have an initial attraction to someone but it would build over time...a very long time. its the same with my love for Christ. i don't know why i am like this but i guess it doesnt matter now because i know i love Him.

Luke 14:33

i don't know how to do this.
God please show me.
God please take away when i can't give it up.
God i am yours no matter what i say or feel. God use me.
i will trust you

"So then, none of you can be My disciple who does not give up all his own possessions."

Helen...

i am very upset... sean got 2 sentences and i only got 1 :(

:)

i made this so i can follow you....but i don't know how!!